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As one of his last acts
while preparing to leave office, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge
announced the newest weapon against terrorism in the sky: passenger planes
with standing room only.
"Serious crime rarely occurs on subways crammed so full that standees are
unable to move," Ridge said. "This will become the new standard for modern
air travel as well."
Seasoned New Yorkers know they shouldn't board nearly empty subway cars
because passengers become easy prey for muggers. There's safety in
numbers, Ridge advised, saying that's why many more passengers need to be
crammed into airliners.
It won't just be the sardine-like conditions that prevent crime from
occurring. For added safety, airlines will distribute the most obese
passengers at strategic locations throughout the aircraft so they can sit
on any terrorists who try to make trouble.
The entire plane will be considered first class, because there's no
central bank of seats. With no central aisle either, food and beverages
will be passed along hand-to-hand.
SRO conditions do pose one danger, Ridge conceded. They're ripe for
pickpockets, especially if you must keep one hand held onto a strap. The
government believes it has solved that problem by assigning each passenger
to a numbered strap so there’s a record of who stood where.
"Not even a dummy would pickpocket somebody under those conditions," Ridge
said. "In fact, for a test flight we filled one airplane with test
mannequins and found there was absolutely no crime."
__________
Check out our previous article:
Investigators
find Rather
and CBS producers were on steroids
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