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Kennedy practices sitting
on his hands for State of Union

Shows up at Capitol with swollen digits

Massachusetts Senator Edward Kennedy sought treatment at the Congressional medical unit today for hands badly swollen by having been parked upon.

He had been practicing for tonight's State of the Union Address by President Bush.

Kennedy doesn't want to repeat last year's brouhaha when the nationwide TV audience saw him dozing during the address, only to be awakened by applause and instinctively joining in.

People thought he was cheering the president's message. With all of his recent harsh statements against the president, any applause this time would seem hypocritical when he really wants to be hypercritical.

But observers note that there isn't much he can do about it -- hippo is more descriptive of him than hyper no matter how loud he yells. And that's the cause of his swollen hands. They can only take so much squishing by overly-gelatinous gluteals.

By sitting on his hands throughout tonight's address, Kennedy hopes to accomplish the dual goal of being kept awake and unable to clap.

Meanwhile, Senator Hillary Clinton has issued a statement saying that if she should pass out during the speech, it's merely a minor after-effect of Monday's fainting spell -- not a pro-Bush swoon.
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