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Investigators find Rather
and CBS producers were on steroids

New testing program to be instituted

The panel that investigated the CBS News scandal found that anchor Dan Rather and four news producers were on steroids when they falsely reported that a forged memo criticizing George W. Bush was real.

Investigators discovered that Rather and his colleagues were operating with brains pumped up by chemicals that CBS news crews obtained when the network owned the Yankees.

The network eventually sold the team to George Steinbrenner, but news personnel furtively held back a supply of the human growth hormone. CBS has been operating on steroids ever since.

It is, in fact, responsible for the fact that late night comedian David Letterman became a father for the first time late in life.

"I never would have had the courage to do it without the CBS steroids," Letterman admitted. "It makes me happier than ever that I moved here from NBC."

But the steroid use is about to end. Now that the truth is out, top management will institute random tests. Any news anchor or producer found to be on steroids will be suspended for ten days without pay. A second violation will bring a 30-day ban.

It would take four positive tests, however, for an anchor to miss an entire season.

"I've been saying for some time my goal for this industry is zero tolerance toward steroids," said FCC Commissioner Dub Giles.

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Check out our previous article:

Martha Stewart introduces
new line of prison wear


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