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President Bush thought it
would be difficult to find a replacement for Tom Ridge in the nation's
most thankless assignment, but then someone suggested Al Gore.
Most people wouldn't want the job of Homeland Security Secretary because
they'd immediately become the butt of jokes, and because most people
already have a better job.
But Al Gore qualifies in both respects. He's accustomed to having jokes
told about him, and he has nothing better to do.
The job is called thankless because if you succeed in preventing
terrorism, the public says So What. If you're in office when we get
attacked again, the public will say You Goofed.
Gore is accustomed to those things. He won the popular vote in 2000, but
the Supreme Court said So What. He backed Howard Dean for the 2004
Democratic nomination, and John Kerry said You Goofed.
He is seen as the perfect candidate for Homeland Security Director because
it's a job that requires you to put your foot in your mouth. Gore's
history of doing that includes his claim to inventing the Internet and
last winter's speech on the coldest day of the year saying the evidence of
global warming was all around him.
Ridge is stepping down to return to his family, accompanied by a vanload
of leftover duct tape and another truck full of crayons, veterans of the
color-coded terror alert system.
Gore reportedly wants Ridge to leave the crayons behind because there may
be times when the new secretary needs something to do.
__________
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