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 Late news                                                                                                                                                                                            Updated 1/11/10

Good try: President Obama is shaking in his boots, hoping America doesn't get any ideas from NBC's discovery that Jay Leno wasn't ready for prime time and thus should be moved back to his former slot. Particularly since, yes, there is a Senate seat waiting for Obama in Illinois.

                          Our annual holiday letter

It's hard to believe another year has gone by and that Jennie and I have so much to be thankful for -- happy news that will excite our many friends.

We were blessed with another grandchild in October, a boy born to our daughter Sarah and someone she met on a Caribbean cruise. Sarah hopes that as the child matures a facial resemblance will remind her of which shipboard romance was responsible.

We're thrilled that our son Daniel made such a good impression on his instructor in the job training class that he may win early release from state prison.

Jennie decided that we've been empty nesters too long, so she's turning our home into a bed-and-breakfast. When I reminded her that she's had no experience in professional housekeeping, she said she's always received compliments on our bedroom from deliverymen -- even the poolboy when she summoned him to get rid of a bee or something.

As for me, I've done very well financially. I could sense something was wrong, so I withdrew our money from the Bernie Madoff fund before the scandal broke. I only wish I'd thought to warn my elderly parents. The bright side is that now they qualify for admission to a great welfare institution.

So it's been a wonderful year. Jennie and I send greetings and want you to know that our thoughts are occasionally with you.

Scott Witt

Nothing's changed: Senator Chuck Schumer has apologized for calling a flight attendant a bitch. Even so, he's still a son of a bitch.

Cheers? No thanks. Tiger Woods disclosed today that the reason he won't meet with police is that it would only lead to an argument and then he'd have to go with his arresting officer to the White House for a beer.

Out of nowhere: After investigators find out how Michaele and Tareq got into the White House, they need to find out how Michelle and Barack got in.

Universal non-health care: The next step in the government's drive to make health care more efficient will be to recommend far fewer blood pressure tests. Studies found that when people learn their blood pressure, it just raises their blood pressure.

Why Obama won: It was a toss-up when Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. The goal this year was to encourage someone with great potential who hasn't yet delivered on his promises. The Nobel Committee couldn't decide between Obama and any of a billion newborn babies. Ultimately he won because it was felt he would deliver a better acceptance speech.

Semi-racism? President Obama's call for David Patterson to withdraw from the New York gubernatorial race was racially motivated, at least partly. Why partly? If a white man had called for the black governor to step aside, in today's atmosphere it would be called racist. One of Obama's parents was white.

At long last: The Time Magazine editor who first asked the question, "Is God Dead?" has finally gotten his answer 31 years later. John Elson, who died this month, was greeted at the Pearly Gates by a bearded figure who said, "No, I'm not, but you are."

Explanation: The White House denies that its health plan calls for euthanizing senior citizens. The only old people it wants to put down are the rude ones who disrupt its town hall meetings.

Complaint: The Democratic Party complains that protests against the health care bill were organized by Republicans. Apparently they'd prefer to have the Republicans disorganized like the Democrats.

Mixed emotions: Two American journalists freed by North Korea returned to the U.S., after almost refusing to be released. The two women were happy to be freed by the intervention of Bill Clinton but feared what other type of intervention might occur aboard his aircraft. Upon arriving home they issued a statement saying, "We are most grateful to the former president for what he did in North Korea and didn't do aboard the plane."

szzzz....

       Her name is Sotomayor
       Her hearings, they were a bore
       Democats were asking so nice
       While Republicans tried some spice
       But all she (and we) could do is snore

Sisterly advice: Ruth Madoff has written to Jenny Sanford with tips on how to deal with an immoral husband. "Pay no attention to your husband's bad deeds," Mrs. Madoff suggests. "While it lasts, play dumb and enjoy all the perks he can give you. That's what I did."

Positive outlook: Bernie Madoff may have been sentenced to 150 years in prison, but he'll get the last laugh. With good behavior, federal prisoners can be released after serving 80% of their term. That means that when Bernie is released 120 years from now, the judge and all the other people who hate him will be dead.

Washington buzz: The White House will probably blame its infestation of flies on George Bush, saying it inherited them from the previous administration. Bush will deny it and say that anyway Obama should welcome the flies if he really wants an open administration.

Not at all hard: Barack Obama doesn't deserve all the kudos he receives for his self-deprecating humor. After all, running yourself down isn't difficult when so many of your official decisions are laughable.

Switch-hitter: Because he was trailing a Republican primary challenger in Pennsylvania, Senator Arlen Specter has switched to the Democratic Party. If his nomination as a Democrat is also opposed, Specter still has another place to HOP -- the Hypocritical Opportunist Party.

Smart man: Congressman Jack Burlington, who boasts of being a highly accomplished speed-reader, decided to become the first lawmaker to read all of the government's huge spending package, and did so in less than an hour. When asked what he found out, he said, "It's about money."

The truth will out: No one will admit it happened, but during his visit to CIA headquarters, President Obama was given a waterboarding demonstration -- and he volunteered to be the person waterboarded. When interrogated on what he really thinks of his financial stimulus program, Obama quickly confessed that he is all wet.

Government control: Now that the White House has flexed its muscles and fired the CEO of the ailing General Motors, who's next -- the coaches of losing sports teams?

Back and forth: An official of the European Union said, and then denied saying, that President Obama is leading the world to hell with his economic plan. In response, Obama said, and then denied saying, that hell is where the European official should go.

Politically incorrect: Eyebrows were raised when President Obama told Jay Leno that his bowling is good -- for a Special Olympian. It's understandable he'd say that, though, because Special Olympians have been on his mind ever since he had them write his federal budget.

A secret revealed: President Obama uses a Teleprompter whenever he speaks in public -- but it's not widely known that he also uses one in the Oval Office to prompt him with fresh ideas. It has casters that roll it into his private lavatory so he can read during down times. By the way, we're never sure whether it's the room or the occupant that's described by the sign on the lavatory door that says "Head of State."

The wail-out: A tanker full of crocodile tears is parked at the White House so the president can keep on crying about the AIG employee bonuses, which the government knew about a year before it sent billions to the company. When the president entered office, we lived in a Democracy. Now it has become a Hypocrasy.

In fairness to all: President Obama today called on all waitresses to give back their tips. He said it's only fair, since at the top of the financial ladder Wall Streeters are being asked to surrender their bonuses. Spokesmen for both worker groups said they'll do that when Obama agrees to give back the winning votes he received in the election.

Is Jon Stewart a hypocrite? After blasting stock guy Jim Cramer for bad forecasts, he didn't go after weatherman Al Roker.

The value of brevity (20 characters). Twitter, the wildly popular web site where users post brief text messages, may buy the New York Times and discontinue the print publication. "Twitter proves that all the world wants is headlines," the company said. So why buy the Times? For its slogan, "All the news that's fit to print." It easily fits in Twitter's 140-character limit.

Think about it. Newspapers are dying, while Twitter thrives. Which means in the future all we'll have is headlines.

Earlier posts:

Cheney says U.S. unprepared for attack. White House not worried. It has big bomb shelter.

His stock tips have been terrible, so CNBC's Jim Cramer may need a new career. He might do better touting lottery numbers.

The Washington Post has killed its Business Section. In today's climate, maybe it'll be replaced by a Socialism Section.

Why Madoff should be released: He paid off old investors with money from new investors -- thus over the years most people profited.

China worries about the safety of money it sent to the U.S., but we worry about the safety of everything else it sent here.

The First Lady chose military families as her "cause" after deciding that apple pie is too controversial.

Bernie Madoff got a desk in his cell so he can send 1099 forms to his clients.

The White House removed pork from its menu. It was keeping a campaign pledge,

Showing his youth and inexperience: Obama's gift to the visiting British PM -- 25 dvds -- was called chintzy. Gordon Brown's gift to Obama was more suitable -- 25 diapers.

Let's talk it out: President Obama wants to negotiate with the people who gave sanctuary to Osama bin Laden. Thus there's hope that he may also negotiate with evil-doers here at home, such as child molesters. Like the Taliban, they're just misunderstood.

Maniacal media man: Keith Olbermann boasts that he got an Ivy League education at Cornell. He attended Cornell's agricultural college, definitely not Ivy League. It explains one thing. The ag school was where he learned to produce so much bullshit.

Barely there: During her husband's first address to Congress, Michelle Obama was the only sleeveless woman in the House. If the press wasn't in love with the Obamas, she would have been ridiculed. Looking around the chamber, a disapproving Republican sighed, "At least the world was spared from Hillary showing up in shorts."

And on it goes: The protesters that Sean Penn thought he saw on his way to the Academy Award theater were actually cheering him on for an acceptance speech that exercised his constitutional right to berate them for their constitutional right to oppose his right to criticize theirs. Stay tuned.

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Here you'll find the latest news satire from America's #1 misanthrope and contrarian. Updated daily except on days when it's not. Some prefer to call it humor, parody, irony, offbeat, whimsy, the work of a curmudgeon, satirical. Call it what you will, you'll have fun checking back daily. (These descriptions put here for search engines to find, which they sometimes do.)