Your daily dose of satire from a vast

network of occasionally reliable sources

 Late news                                                                                                                                                                                            Updated 5/9/08

Broad-based support: We hear that plans are underway for an organization known as "White Republicans for Obama" to prove that his appeal crosses party lines and is not race-oriented, and that all three white Obama Republicans have agreed to join.

Sourpuss: Did you see the look on Bill Clinton's face as he stood behind Hillary after the disappointing Indiana primary? He was regretting that he won't get to live in the White House again unless Chelsea gets elected some day. And by that time he'll be too old to use the Oval Office.

Desperation: Hillary took a magnifying glass to her TV looking for grime under Barrack's fingernails and spinach between his teeth. Finding no dirt to exploit, she loaned her campaign another $6.4 million and rewrote her living will, changing it from "Do not resuscitate" to "Apply life support at any cost."

Guidelines: Medical experts have drawn up a list of patients who should not be treated if resources are limited in a severe pandemic. The list includes the very elderly, people with advanced dementia, hopeless trauma victims, Michael Moore, and Ann Coulter.

Beating the also rans: Big Brown won the Kentucky Derby because FedEx thought it was an overnight race and Snail Mail got lost.

Good and bad: Congress has passed a law making it illegal to discriminate against people because of their genes. The good news is that now you can't be rejected for health insurance. The bad news is that you can get arrested for refusing to date an ugly person.

Couldn't be done: Oil companies wanted to offer their top execs a choice -- multi-million-dollar stock options or free weekly gas tank fill-ups -- but found that the fill-ups would be too expensive.

It ain't Rush Limbaugh: Author/comedian Al Franken, running for the U.S. Senate in Minnesota, has admitted failing to pay taxes in 17 states where he worked. So now who's the big fat idiot?

Hidden talents: Unlike her dull and drab meetings on TV with Barack, Hillary's TV encounter with Bill O'Reilly showed her to be charming, feisty, and witty. Watching it, Barrack decided he has to debate her again to restore her boring and unelectable side.

Snore-inducing: The viewer ratings of MSNBC's prime-time program, "Countdown," remain in the dumps because host Keith Olbermann puts viewers to sleep before they can fill out their Nielsen reports. He's known to them as "Keith StuporMan."

Crying crocodile tears: Barack Obama displayed cruelty to animals when he complained about the anti-American statements of his mentor, Jeremiah Wright -- statements dating back many years and which Obama had to be aware of long ago. "We detest his abusing crocodiles that way," said the ASPCA, which supports Hillary Clinton because she has never abused an animal. "The fact that she claims to have hunted when young proves that she didn't."

Un-reverential: Barack Obama, who borrowed words from a Jeremiah Wright sermon for the title of his book, "The Audacity of Hope," will modify another of the pastor's phrases for his next book, entitled "God Damn Jeremiah Wright."

Headline in the NY Times: "Hotels Try New Features With Test Rooms." Hmm, what could that mean, rest rooms that give guests a free urinalysis?

Go figure: New York City has found a way to keep on lowering its crime rate. Acquit shooters who mow down their victims. No convictions = no crime.

NBD: A leading educator says although today's teens tend to compose their schoolwork in chat and email slang, they'll grow out of it. According to Robert Wilson of the American Language Institute: "hey np imho its a fase their goin thru lol gotta go brb"

Planned parenthood: New research in Britain finds that women who eat a lot of bananas before pregnancy are more likely to give birth to boys. It's true. And to make your boy happier when he grows up, Mom, make sure those bananas are big ones.

Poor Larry: When Larry King gets around to looking at the new contract he signed with CNN, he should check to see if they cut his pay. During negotiations, it would have been easy for management to put it over on him. As everyone who watches his show knows, he never asks the tough questions.

Neville C. Carter: Now that Jimmy Carter has messed up the situation in the Middle East by confusing what the terrorist group Hamas told him, he'll probably move on to Afghanistan to exchange warm greetings with Osama Bin Laden, aiming for a Nobel Peace Prize. Oops, he already has one, but in his current muddled state he may not remember it.

The tall and short of it: Most of the time when Barack Obama picks up an endorsement from a well-known figure, they appear together for a camera opportunity, but when Robert Reich announced his support, there was no such event. That's because standing side by side would make them look like a circus act. Barack just wouldn't stoop that low.

Unfair: After the Pope was seen on television praying for evil to be rooted out of America, some of Barack Obama's controversial allies demanded equal time to respond.

No, but... In their Philadelphia debate, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama both said they would not raise taxes on lower and middle income people -- but then gave exceptions in which they would do just that. Watching at home, former President George H.W. Bush was trying to read their lips.

Tax relief: John McCain wants to suspend federal gasoline taxes this summer. He thought of doing the same for tobacco, but ruled it out because that would give Hillary Clinton a chance to tell how her father taught her to simultaneously use guns and chew tobacco when she was eight.

Users fight to keep Windows XP
        Hey, Bill Gates, yes you, mistah
        They don't like your brand new Vista
        Why do they bash it?
        It's too easy to crash it
        So says everyone and his sistah.

Gun-toting, Nascar-loving religionists: Barack Obama denied that he's an elitist who doesn't understand working Americans. "Like my historical heroine, Marie-Antionette, I have only good wishes for you downtrodden people," Obama told an audience in rural Pennsylvania. "When I hear that folks can't put bread on the table, my philosophy of change takes over and I say let them eat cake."

On borrowed time: To save money, CBS is thinking of hiring CNN to provide its news coverage. Who knows, maybe after that it will pay ABC to produce its entertainment and NBC to put it in last place.

The latest to go: Barack Obama was fired from the Obama presidential campaign Friday for comments he made in a San Francisco speech implying that Pennsylvania voters are red-necked rubes. His decisive action to rid the campaign of a troublesome participant caused Obama's poll ratings to soar.

Aginners: Elton John says if you don't favor Hillary Clinton, you're a misogynist. After hearing about that, millions of Americans raced to their dictionaries to find out whether it's good or bad. Meanwhile others are wondering if being against John McCain makes you an Oldfartophobe.

One way to achieve excellence: With 3300 of its flights having been canceled last week for inspections, American Airlines reports a new high in on-time performance and a new low in lost luggage. Both of its remaining flights arrived on schedule with all baggage intact. Unfortunately, the food was still terrible.

Burning issue: One definition of "faggot" is a bundle of sticks tied together, and that's why a news account was correct when it reported about San Francisco moving its Olympic torch parade to a secret location. The headline said, "SF hides flaming faggot." It made news because that's something San Francisco had never done before.

Not alone: After learning that a baby with two faces has been born in northern India, former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer flew there to compare notes.

Training maneuvers: Barack Obama was well-prepared for Tuesday's Senate testimony of Gen. David Petraeus on Iraq war strategy. Sen. Obama spent the previous evening working with his childhood set of  toy soldiers so that he'd have an idea of what the general was talking about. When he finished withdrawing them from the table, he packed them carefully so they'd be ready for duty with him in the White House.

Danger: Homeland Security has issued a red alert in fear that other kids might try to mimic those Georgia third graders who took handcuffs and masking tape to school to torture their teacher. The CIA is also in on the case -- not to spy on the youngsters but to recruit them.

The real thing: Condoleezza Rice could head the list of potential Republican vice presidential candidates because she's more genuine. Both her parents -- not just one -- were black, and men are attracted to her, not just women. Here's her slogan -- Blacker than Barack and Hotter than Hillary.

A fitting argument: Hillary Clinton says she has too many pants suits to quit the presidential race now. Because she's constantly on TV she dons a brand new outfit daily and worries what would happen to polyester manufacturers here and abroad if she stopped buying. Barack Obama says her argument is made out of whole cloth.

Wrong: The scientists who said Hillary Clinton is related to Angelina Jolie and that John McCain is related to Methuselah have admitted a mistake. John McCain is not related to Methuselah. John McCain is Methuselah.

Early symptom: A new study found that people who had big bellies in their 40s are at increased risk of Alzheimer's disease in their 70s. So if you've reached 70 and can't remember what your belly looked like at 40, it's too late.

In seclusion: The Reverend Jeremiah Wright has canceled several speeches in Texas and Florida but says it's not because the Obama campaign wants him to keep quiet. It's because the U.S. government has infected him with the flu virus and supplied him with illegal drugs so it can send him to jail. When asked about this, Senator Obama said he didn't hear a word the reverend said.

Ford says Tata: Ford has sold its Jaguar and Land Rover Divisions to India's Tata Motors. But don't worry, India is going to share some of the business. When you call for technical information, India will outsource the call to operators in the U.S.

Vote for Obama: He's the Wright guy.

Vote for Clinton: She's the wronged woman.

Don't forget to bookmark this page.  Check back daily.

Learn about Scott's book at Amazon.com

About Scott Witt

Contact Scott

Here you'll find the latest news satire from America's #1 misanthrope and contrarian. Updated daily except on days when it's not. Some prefer to call it humor, parody, irony, offbeat, whimsy, the work of a curmudgeon, satirical. Call it what you will, you'll have fun checking back daily. (These descriptions put here for search engines to find, which they sometimes do.)