ScottWitt.net

The great thing about ObamaCare is that it was written by the people who made the IRS Code so clear.

No traditional key to the city when Hu Jintao arrived in Chicago Thursday. Instead, Mayor Daley held out a tin cup.

Tiger Mom Amy Chua has signed a contract for a movie version of her book, the movie to be entitled "Mommie Dearest II."

In Kansas, drive to make voters prove they're U.S. citizens is opposed by liberals. Alien to their way of thinking.

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Present participling: First there's birthing. Then childing. Next, parenting. Finally, deathing.

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On Twitter, you can't be singled out for following radicals, maniacs, or criminals. That's because everyone follows everyone else anyway.

Playboy is releasing an IPad app of its archives going all the way back to when Playmates married Hugh Hefner for the sex.

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Tiger Mom Amy Chua voted most detested American by the Association of Welfare Cycle Moms

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Poll shows PBS the most trusted news outlet, winning the hearts of 50% of respondents. By winning their hearts, we mean the left ventricle.

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Congressman Steve Cohen, who says critics of ObamaCare are like Nazis, is a distinguished member of the National Thought Police.

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The FBI has arrested 100 mobsters. No, not the Senate. Those troublemakers are still on the loose.

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Hu Jintao has spent most of his free time here on the Internet. "Wow!" he says, "In America I can surf wherever I want!"

Hu says he'd defect except that with all these Chinese imports, it seems too much like home.

Microsoft's Windows Phone 7 has been sending and receiving phantom data. Backers of ObamaCare say, "Hey, we could use something like that."

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John Boehner says he'll miss socializing with Joe and Hadassah Lieberman. So will Boehner's wife, YWCA.

How many followers will I lose with this: Michelle wears a gown by a designer who killed himself a year ago. Literally, a dress to die for.

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You know the online validation services that generate gibberish? Nancy Pelosi has engaged one to be her speechwriter.

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PBS convinces Ken Burns to shoot no more documentaries. He'll "film" them.

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Japan declares war with China over the American territories.

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Now that Huckleberry Finn has been politically corrected, let's rename a more recent book and mini-series, "Band of Siblings."

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While the two presidents spoke at the welcoming ceremony on the steps of the White House, Mrs. Hu was inside measuring the drapes.

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A lot of Chinese-Americans invited to the state dinner. So many that others will be asking Who's Hu?

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When Hu Jintao arrived at the White House, he went through a metal detector. They weren't looking for weapons -- just loose change.

Al Gore won't be at the state dinner. How would they introduce him -- as the inventor of the Internet or the inventor of global warming?

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Hu Jintao has sympathy for our financial plight. After a private dinner in the president's living quarters, he left a tip on the table.

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A new book says many college students graduate without having learned much. They must be the ones who go on to become left-wing professors.

Because the age of its average viewer is over 80, CNN gives advertisers a senior discount.

Officials at Disney World announced that Fantasy Land is getting a makeover. It'll be designed by the Congressional architects of ObamaCare.

Joe Biden is disappointed the White House won't take his suggestion to have fortune cookies at Wednesday night's state dinner.

No, it's not true that when ComCast takes over, MSNBC will become CommieCast.

Saying this country doesn't need any more Sarah Palins, Planned Parenthood and NOW have decided to halt the birth of Republican babies.

When Kruschev visited the U.S., they wouldn't let him go to DisneyLand. Hu Jintao won't have that problem. He holds the mortgage.

En route here, Hu Jintao looks forward to a flyover of his real estate, is disappointed he'll only get to see 48 of his states.

Now that Cheney has said he may need a heart transplant, how long will it take for a liberal ass to say what Cheney really needs is a heart?

In this new era of civility, Dems offer to buy a retirement home for Sarah

Consumer Reports tested MSNBC, found it broken

NPR stations played "I Have A Dream" excerpts so many times today, listeners were begging for a fund drive.

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Tuesday's protocol. Obama: "Thanks for coming. We are indebted to you." Chinese Pres. Hu Jintao: "Tell me something I didn't already know."

Should the gentle game of Bridge be banned because of these plays and positions? Kiss of Death, Knockout Squeeze, Smother Play.

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WikiLeaks to publish names of rich people hiding money in Swiss bank accounts. It would do a better service if it gave us the passwords.

When Walgreens put up signs listing "Fresh Produce" above "Antacids," some wag appended, "Eat the one and you'll need the other."

Republicans and Democrats will intermix at the State of the Union address. If he weren't on the podium, Boehner could be next to Wiener.

When conservatives are violent, their credo is blamed. When liberals are violent, the conservative credo is still blamed.

Researchers still can't fathom why store clerks don't support MLK Day as strongly as government, bank, and stock market people do.

Faulty things sometimes do get better. Look at Hyundai cars. So there's hope for east and west coast newspapers called The Times.

It may be an irony, but I think Ricky Gervais deserves a Special Oscar for his great hosting of the Golden Globes.

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A TV "town hall" meeting in Tucson almost backfired, literally. Damn, the producers thought, this nut ain't conservative either.

Twitter and Facebook are called social media. MySpace is doing so poorly it's treated like a social disease.

MSNBC, which never did like patriots, says the Pats lost because they were too Conservative on the field.

With birds falling from the sky and 200 cows expiring in a California field, MSNBC calls on all Teabaggers to drop dead at the next rally

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Study finds government workers and bank tellers are the strongest supporters of Martin Luther King Day. Store clerks are a disappointment.

I know many adults with good parenting skills who have kids with poor childing skills.

Although I get a lot of kudos for my fake news, I must admit that the Congressional Record does a far better job.

Politicians who crave the return of smoke-filled rooms have their answer: Attend AA meetings.

News item: New packaging causes soup cans to self-heat. Next: Viagra packs that send out sex signals

The way to slow the spread of hate speech is to put it on Twitter, with all its service interruptions.

A current tourist fad: Expeditions to the South Pole. Here at home, Democrats hope Sarah Palin takes a long one.

Keith Olbermann pledges to tone down his hate speech, but do it more often.

Pope says he definitely will not beatify anyone wrongly declared dead on Twitter, not even a saintly person.

Critics of the younger Ron Reagan wonder if his recent statements add fuel to the theory that false memory can be genetically acquired.

Twitter user panel created to decide whom to falsely report as dead on any given day. Panel membership to include some wishful thinkers.

When tweets briefly put Nelson Mandela in heaven, the angels were all a-twitter.

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News: Bacteria is eating away at the Titanic. Significance: It might never become an Arizona theme park

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News: DaVinci's Last Supper created out of dryer lint. It's a good thing Robert Mapplethorpe isn't alive. He'd create it out of navel lint.

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False rumors abound on Twitter today. Like Congress proposing that instead of death panels funeral homes give senior discounts.

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From Reince Priebus to Barack Obama: Sure, let's work together. For starters, how about I tell you my way to print a U.S. birth certificate?

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Scientists who genetically modified chickens so they don't spread bird flu are having a tougher time with politicians who spread b.s.

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ASPCA: "Please send therapy dogs to visit nursing home patients. It does the pets a world of good."

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Statement from Barack Obama: "The Republicans picked someone with a funny name. Already we've found commonality."

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Bigots ridicule the name of Reince Priebus, getting even for those early Barack Obama jokes.

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Women's rights advanced when a military panel recommended they be allowed into dangerous combat units such as the Pyrrhic Victory Battalion.

Bigots ridicule the name of Reince Priebus, and Sarah Palin feels a sigh of relief.

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An astronomer says the signs of the zodiac are all wrong. That means Congress must come up with a new way to predict the cost of ObamaCare.

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NOW finds male members not to its liking, but will consider transgenders.

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Wikipedia is 10 years old. Because anyone can contribute, some articles start out wackier than a Keith Olbermann commentary.

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There've been so many delays in opening the Spiderman show on Broadway that it seems like a circus. Oh, right.

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Amusing event occurs at the White House. First Family says words can't describe it. In other news...

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Planned Parenthood sets 2011 goal: No more Republican babies

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President of Arizona U. writes song entitled "Every Moment Should Be A Pep Rally"

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NY Times editorial says a woman's place is in the home in Wasilla, Alaska

If Reagan were here, he'd say he couldn't remember such a divisive time

Repentant news media turns to Deepak Chopra for healing

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A new study says fruits & veggies make you more attractive. True. I stopped eating meat and a girl at work said I'm as cute as a cabbage.

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Democrats have changed. Harry Truman talked tough and dropped the bomb. Barack Obama spoke calmly and didn't even dangle a participle.

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Right-wing metaphors are poison. Let's ratchet back the rhetorical tsunami. We must button our seat belts, beyond the question of a doubt.

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When Obama says "We can be better," left-wingers know who he means. Right?

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The golden-voiced homeless man who won instant fame is in rehab for a drinking problem. Don't worry, he can always smooth-talk his way out.

Serious question: Could a cunning mass murderer start setting himself up for an insanity plea long before the crime?

President's speech gets top Neilsen Ratings among choir members, zilch from conspiratorial crazies

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Arizona U. teams to forgo cheerleaders. Wednesday night pep rally proves they're not needed.

President proves he doesn't need a teleprompter to be inspiring.

Will the president's calming words on TV tonight reach only the choir? Survey reveals nation's crazies don't plan to watch.

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Arizona sheriff writes book entitled, "How to Talk Through Your Hat, Tell the Press What It Wants to Hear and Become a Famous Expert"

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NordicTrack treadmill with GoogleEarth screen allows paranoid joggers to run from aliens

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Work-at-home Dad admits having sex at the office

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Budgetary constraints cause NY Times to stop hiring Ivy League professors for op ed articles, paper turns to two-year community colleges.

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Global warming expert says blizzards don't countervail hypothesis that cold weather counterbalances warm when extrapolating insulated data.

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National Guardsman flees to Canada, Dept. of Homeland Security issues Yellow Alert.

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Corporation listed in Dow Jones Industrial Average accused of being outstanding.

WikiLeaks founder says if God doesn't protect him from persecution, he'll reveal The Almighty's unlisted number.

"We knew he was dangerous," report members of the Arizona Monday Morning Quarterbacks Club.

We need a law silencing people like Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck, says Harvard Professor of Scapegoat Studies.

Growing crowd alarmed by man sitting on park bench for no good reason.

Campaign succeeds to have Americans turn in our odd neighbors. Complaints include people who whisper instead of yell into their cell phones.

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Conservative arrested for calling a Liberal, "Bleeding heart."

Giving in to pressure from Liberals, Target apologizes for its name and advises customers to shop elsewhere.

Democrats claim all the hate they spewed at Bush and Cheney was o.k. because it was just tough love.

Verizon boasts a new high speed cell network known as 4G. "That's nothing," says AT&T, "We've got them beat with our 5 omg's."

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China says if you fear the U.S. will clamp down on free speech, move there, because Chinese people can say anything they want to the warden.

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Follow-up: The first hour of Olbermaddow was strident Monday night. The second hour, calm and reasoned. Maybe we'll have to split it in two.

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Don't you just hate it that everyone's accusing the other side of hate? You don't? I hate you.

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You've seen skinny toilet paper and fractional quarts of ice cream. What comes next? Egg farmers getting Websters to define a dozen as 9.

Department store Santas need year-round work. With a few minor changes to their apparel they could have kiddies sitting in the lap of God.

You can't say the NY Times isn't fair. The liberal paper has a weekly conservative column. And articles by Paul Krugman to please paranoids.

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Fox News viewers are like horses wearing blinders. MSNBC viewers are like horses asses.

Police point to cryptic notes the Arizona suspect left on envelopes. I hope the cops never come to my house.

In NY, there's the American Airlines Theater. In Los Angeles, the Staples Center. I dare Kimberly-Clark to finance a Kotex Concert Hall.

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Green jeans: Levi's denim is now made with 28% less water. This hurts competitors, who are made even worse off by pissing in their pants.

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Rush to judgment: It took only 1/375th of a second for hate mongers on the Web to begin blaming Palin and Beck for what happened in Arizona.

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Can't wait to see Olbermaddow's reaction. Predictable, yes, and laughable if it weren't so sad, but still worth not being able to wait for.

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Breaking news: After learning that there's a new, living, and famous Ted Williams, the original Ted turned over in his freezer.

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They say a chemical in tears reduces sexual attraction to others. John Boehner no longer frets about cloakroom encounters with Barney Frank.

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John Edwards learned today there really are two Americas. One consists of people named in their spouses' wills, while the others were not.

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From the nutty professor who politically corrected Huck Finn, a new Gettysburg Address. "Four score and seven years ago, our foreparents..."

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Now that he's House Speaker, John Boehner is just two tears away from the presidency.

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The Navy goes politically correct. As it's final lewd act, it tells the ship's captain it's his turn in the barrel.

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True: Motor Vehicle Bureau urges me to renew right away. I try, they say it's far too soon. But the letter said... Oh, right, it's the MVB.

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The news about the IPod is alarming. Well, actually, it isn't alarming.

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While in Hawaii, the Obamas went scuba diving -- and they still couldn't find his birth certificate.

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The spectacle of Times Square's New Year ball was anti-climactic. Mayor Bloomberg had already dropped the ball during the recent snowstorm.

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This is the time when pardons are announced, and the first from Pres. Obama is his vice president. Pardoned for what? "For being Joe Biden."

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Hey, you people in the snow-covered areas, don't forget to clear a path to your prize bushes so the deer have some vegetation to eat.

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Hugh Hefner, 84, says when he presented his latest young Playmate with an engagement ring, she burst into tears. Wouldn't you?

Bristol Palin has bought a home in Arizona -- far enough from Alaska that she can't be seen from her mom's front porch.

Obama is in Hawaii searching for his birth certificate. He won't comment on why he took along a computer printer.

The military has a toddler counting the number of gays who race to enlist when "don't ask" is repealed. He can count to 3, but hey, no prob.

Mark is so happy at being Time's Person of the Year that he may even friend the people who say they were cheated out of Facebook ownership.

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Fans are disappointed that Assange isn't Time's Person of the Year. It's a shame he couldn't join such earlier winners as Hitler and Stalin.

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A bail condition for accused rapist Julian Assange is that he wear an ankle bracelet. I'd say they're clamping the wrong appendage.

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I don't know if the judge was right or wrong in tossing out the health care law, but I do know it's great that somebody finally read it.

Sarah Palin doesn't mind that liberals are such hate-mongers. They're envious because she can see the White House from her front porch.

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Mike Bloomberg won't run for president. "No way, no how." Those who missed it on TV can see his announcement on the "Who Cares?" blog.

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How did Bernie fill all those filibuster hours? He read a WikiLeaks diary of the occasions when Obama was caught smoking in the Oval Office.

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Filibusterer: Bernie Sanders, the Senate's only socialist, thinks socialist means "sociable" so he decided to talk endlessly.

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Facebook's Zuckerberg pledges to give away half his wealth. Not clear if he means cash or the wealth of secrets Facebook got from its users.

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Obama says he wants to jump-start the economy with the tax cut bill. His former Democratic pals say all he's jumping is ship.

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Dilemma: Will Julian Assange be in jail when it's time for him to accept the Nobel Prize?

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Will the new entity be known as Borders, Barnes & Noble, or as Borders, Barnes, Noble & Passe?

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If Bill Clinton was our first "black" president then Barrack Obama is showing himself to be our first black "Republican" president.

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Now that it re-publishes WikiLeaks that endanger America, the NY Times is changing its motto to "All the news that's NOT fit to print."

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A new WikiLeaks warning: If the U.S. arrests Julian Assange, it will leak Obama's foreign birth certificate.

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The government assures seniors it won't cut the benefits of those who die on schedule. Procrastinators can live affordably. Think cat food.

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The one hire that corporate headhunters all over the world most want to achieve -- Julian Assange as Chief Information Officer.

Google promises to track Santa on Christmas Eve via Google Maps and Google Earth. So how come it can't find Bin Laden?

These days when government workers apply for loans, banks check not only their credit records but also their WikiLeaks references.

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Dick Clark, who just turned 80, is looking forward to hosting the next Times Square New Year's show, according to Barely Alive magazine.

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We polled liberals during the 2008 campaign and 97% said Barack Obama was very. In a poll this month, liberals admitted he is not very very.

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NewsCorp says it would consider selling MySpace. Yeah, and Ford wants to sell rights to the Edsel.

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WikiLeaks founder denies rape accusations in Sweden, says he was too busy screwing America's troops.

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Hillary globe trots, apologizing for the embarrassing escapades revealed in WikiLeaks, especially the parts about Bill.

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Johns Hopkins lab has learned how to erase bad memories. Maybe useful for fans who expected something to happen at the Beck/Stewart rallies.

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Sales of fake Christmas trees are up by 7%. Don't forget fake gifts to go under the tree. Makes it look like somebody cares about you.

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Some celebs are exiting Twitter until fans donate to a specified charity. I've seen the twits' tweets and I'd pay to keep them off.

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If next Thanksgiving you dine at a restaurant and miss having leftovers, do what we did. Go to the dumpster out back.

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In preparing for battle with S. Korea, poverty-stricken N. Korea trains its troops on video games, but is convinced that "Wii Wiill Wiin."

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Wanna be freaked out? Watch the male who subs for Rachel Maddow. He has her mannerisms down pat. Only difference is that he wears a necktie.

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TSA agrees with Marie Antionette's "Let them eat cake." You peasants don't like personal searches? No problem. Travel by private jet.

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Not all Brits agree with the push to bypass Prince Charles and have William become the next monarch. Says the Queen: "Over my dead body."

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My friend Gus says he'll never go through airport security again. While groping, the security guy giggled and asked, "Is that all you have?"

While other leaders zip around Lisbon in electric "green" cars, Obama is politically incorrect in his armored limo. He has the city fuming.

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National Enquirer files for bankruptcy. Not enough old ladies are cooking their grandchildren for dinner.

AP headline: Feds Holding Firm On Intrusive Airport Security. Yeah, that's the problem. Holding firm.

Our pres continues crisscrossing the globe, next to Portugal, and he still hasn't found his birthplace.

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An experimental Merck drug could control cholesterol better than any predecessor. You can bet on Merck stock, I'm betting on McDonald's

When children undergo airport screening, is the security employee guilty of pedophilia?

Rangel said all along he was innocent, that he would walk. And on Monday he did. When the panel wouldn't grant his motion, he walked -- out.

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The NYTimes has a Public Editor, also called the Pubic Editor because he saves the real editor from having to tell complainers, "Screw you."

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The difference between Christine O'Donnell and Nancy Pelosi: Christine said, "I am not a witch." Nancy hasn't yet answered the question.

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Postal Service continues to lose big money, cites rising cost of fuel (snail food) and back-room supplies (bullet-proof vests)

Headline: Las Vegas Casinos Are a Last Bastion for Smokers. Well, not really. Think the Oval Office.

Pee-wee Herman, over the scandal, is back with a new stage show. His old friends have returned, so he no longer has to play with himself.

For sale: 5000 unopened cans of Spam, great for convincing stranded passengers how lucky they are to have stale bread and rotten bananas.

Headline: "Native American tribes seek trade ties with Turkey." Hell, that's not new. Indian ties to turkey began at the first Thanksgiving.

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The TelePrompter messes up during Obama's speech at the Seoul Summit, displaying pages from the Koran intended for his bedtime reading.

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Bargain special! Carnival Cruises drops the fuel surcharge for the "Splendor"

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Innovation in cruising: Staterooms aboard the "Splendor" now boast flushless toilets.

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You used to have to use LSD to see the ghastly graphics that will soon appear on cigarette packs.

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I know a funeral home that installed a drive-up viewing window. It's for people who want to pay their fast respects.

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Though irked by Kanye West calling him racist after Katrina, George W. Bush concedes West himself was great, adding, "Heckuva job, Blackie."

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Maybe Olbermann spent his time off at Betty Ford being cured of his belief there are no states other than NY, CA, contempt, and intolerance.

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Is Twitter an alcoholic? Every time it is slow in loading it apologizes for having "a momentary hiccup."

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Give to the March of Dimes. With polio cured, it was reinvented. Keep paper shufflers busy. Also AARP, fighting for insurance commissions.

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Now that the OED has stopped printing, my local library continues to exist for one very important reason -- inertia. Like telegrams & faxes.

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Suspending Olbermann worked so well, MSNBC may suspend itself to achieve a ratings goal just below the Poetry Channel.

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Brits are upset that Queen Elizabeth won't accept "friends" on her new Facebook page, but Sir Elton says she's not the only queen out there

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AP describes MSNBC as "the left-leaning cable network." That's like calling the Leaning Tower of Pisa a straight arrow.

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In my absent mindedness, I didn't realize I was in the ladies room instead of the gents until my GPS pointed it out.

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Californians voted the straight party line.

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Bernanke defends pumping $600 billion into the economy. Hey, maybe he's right. It's only paper. Not like the dollar is still worth anything.

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To bring jobs home, Obama proposes moving the Taj Mahal to D.C. as a domestic call center. Also, it's where he can practice his Hindu faith.

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Obama calls on India to stop taking jobs that America's illegal aliens want.

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Rachel Maddow on MSNBC: We are not a political operation....We are a news operation." Sure, and The Onion is America's newspaper of record.

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Rumors say Obama's India trip will cost $2 billion, but it'll really save money. As his recovery plans fail, he'll have tech support nearby.

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The exec who suspended Keith Olbermann from MSNBC for breaking journalism rules should herself be canned for calling Olbermann a journalist.

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No decision yet on who should narrate the audio version of George Bush's new book. He wants to finish reading it to see if he's up to it.

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Fed's new stimulus plan: Print more money. That'll make everyone rich. Then the government can soak the rich with new taxes. Problem solved.

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Explain this: Californians rule out legalizing pot but elect a pothead.

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Left-wingers who called TeaPartiers stupid look at the results and are dumbfounded.

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Justice Breyer wants to ban games with torturing violence upon small children and women. Like sidewalk cracks that break your mom's back?

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The President calls the next House Speaker, promises to cooperate in revamping the health program, to be known as ObamaDoesn'tReallyCare.

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Harry Reid thanks voters for their continued confidence in his continuing befuddlement.

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Mickey Mouse and Elvis Presley are suing because unlike previous years when Acorn took them to the polls, they couldn't vote this year.

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Because MSNBC's low ratings mean its anchors essentially talk to themselves, it now recruits anchors from among self-talking street crazies.

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It was a "Rally To Restore Sanity" all right. We knew it when Ozzy Osbourne walked on stage. And the flighty flight attendant. Yup, sanity.

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Obama attacks 'partisanship' of the GOP. Republicans should be impartial and toe the Democratic line.

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Pfizer recalled 38,000 bottles of its cholesterol drug Lipitor due to musty odor. False alarm. It came from some of the old people using it.

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Clinton denies asking a Fla. senate candidate to drop out because the decision is his to make. Well, depends on what the meaning of his is.

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The Daily Show bleeps about every 3rd word by Jon Stewart but had to bleep none by Pres. Obama. He talked over the heads of the audience.

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NPR, fearing Muslim reprisal, fires commentator for expressing fear of Muslims.

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For Halloween, Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow plan to scare people by going as themselves.

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Email from a friend: "Am in church. Instead of listening to the boring sermon, I'm posting this. OMG."

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Why some Chilean miners want to go back down: no bedbugs.

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Why the woman left her boyfriend who had AIDS: She learned he also had bedbugs.

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Gosh, Beaver's mom died? At least we still have the other half of the equation -- apple pie.

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The mental and physical well-being of New Yorkers climbed this weekend. Due to the baseball blackout they resorted to actually doing things.

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Obama's polygamist half-brother in Kenya married his third wife but has nothing on Barack, who opponents say is screwing our whole country.

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Wal-Mart plans to promote the sale of locally-produced food, offering its traditional low prices. The best bargains will be for road kill.

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AP reports a new trend among nature-lovers: When they die, burial in the wilderness without embalming. Grave marker could be "Rot in peace."

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Charlie Rose books miners for TV interview. Language not a problem because his questions are in English and will fill the hour.

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Typically greedy American root canal specialists study ways to sue Chile for patent infringement

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Eleanor Roosevelt wrote a column called "My Day." NYT foreign affairs columnist Tom Friedman should call his that, too. His favorite topic.

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19-year-old rescued miner signs $10 million contract for autobiography

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Obama lifts ban on deep drilling, saying Chile proved it's safe

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What next for that Chilean mine? Send the two loudmouth California gubernatorial candidates there. Let them call names all they want.

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Low-priced inkjet printers should come with an underground tank for outside your home so you can buy all the expensive ink you'll need.

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After watching Olbermann and Maddow rant on MSNBC, even creationists concede that yes, we evolved from apes.

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Helen Thomas tells interviewer, "You cannot criticize Israel in this country and survive." Of course not. You cannot criticize perfection.

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Did 3 economists really deserve a Nobel prize for figuring out why there are jobless people and open jobs? Hey, square pegs, round holes.

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It's a no-brainer. Buy a house NOW. After the down payment, it won't cost you a penny because they've stopped foreclosing on mortgages.

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President Obama refuses to prove he was born in the U.S., but there's no doubt that Christine O'Donnell was born in a coven.

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Zuckerberg ain't so smart. He got rich by claiming to have created Facebook. Well, I'm about to reveal that I created the Bible.

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After listening to both major candidates in the NY gubernatorial race, you can only conclude that whoever wins, the voters lose.

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Bank execs under fire for not reading the home foreclosure orders they issued. Obama reaction: "Quick, get me the health care law I signed."

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The Flintstones' 50th Anniversary? So that's why Congress adjourned. People would draw comparisons.

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The U.S. Postal Service has been denied permission to raise postage rates. It may appeal, saying it needs more money to feed the snails.

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OK, so ObamaCare has no death panels for seniors. Doesn't need to. The new program's higher cost is already killing them.

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A Gallup poll says 78% of air travelers support body scanners. Flashers are 100% in favor. They can be fully dressed under their raincoats.

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So it turns out that Christine O'Donnell once dabbled in witchcraft. So what? Nancy Pelosi has long dabbled in bitchcraft.

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Some of the critics of the Florida preacher who wants to burn the Quran might be much happier if he burned the American Flag instead.

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Some called Vance Bourjaily's first novel "autobiographical." The plot but not the title, "The End of My Life." Now, 63 years on, even that.

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The mum guv: Arizona's governor went silent for 16 seconds during her turn in a TV debate. Rare ability among pols. Actually, unheard of.

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Elitist liberals think the only reason Sarah Palin is so popular is that most Americans are dumb. Good way to lose elections, you idiots.

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Let me know if you get this AP headline: "Fired aide to ex-Mo. gov runs for gov's dad's seat." Reminds me of the song "I'm My Own Grandpa."

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If Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh were dead, all the attention being paid to Glenn Beck would make them turn over in their graves.

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If Oxford English Dictionary becomes a 1-word-a-day blog, it'll take 600 years to get from A to Z. Obama could learn his job in less time.

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A feminist calling for "reproductive rights" is like a gunslinger calling for "trigger finger rights."

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The chief writer of early TV's "Howdy Doody Show" has died. The Howdy Doody guy's last words were "Ta Ta."

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A title for Glenn Beck's DC speech on the MLK anniversary: "I Have A Scream." Nah, that sounds more like the loons who would silence him.

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Bought a pound of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. They should have called it I Can't Believe It's Not A Pound. The new weight is 15 ounces.

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1 in 10 Americans have missed at least one mortgage payment, says the Mortgage Bankers Assoc. The mortgage bankers miss those payments, too.

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Glenn Beck's ratings in NYC have plummeted. His warnings of national demise aren't nearly as scary as NY bedbugs.

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The U.S. wants to arrest the WkiLeaks founder for leaking top secrets. He may not have raped that Swedish lady, but we're gonna screw him.

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For years the media ridiculed Ted Stevens. Now he's "the most revered politician in Alaska history." For a rebirth, die in a plane crash.

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Here's today's teachable moment. In reading this, you are experiencing why today's most over-used and meaningless term is teachable moment.

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One reason the Web thrives while newspapers decline is that newspapers don't print words you can't print in a newspaper.

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Barnes & Noble has been put up for sale. I wonder what kindled the decision.

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Now that the ailing Newsweek has been bought by a 92-year-old businessman, will there be a race to see which outlasts the other?

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All brides are beautiful. Here's wishing Chelsea a long wedding ceremony.

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FBI agents found cheating on a test? Who's investigating?

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If aliens can't be asked for their papers, no one has to show a drivers license. Ten-year-olds can't be stopped on basis of appearance.

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NY Times NYC police reporter A.G. Sulzberger has been promoted to Kansas City Bureau Chief -- a big leap. "Gee, thanks, Dad."

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The NFL put up locker room posters warning of the cognitive dangers of head injuries. Hey, be sure someone reads the text to the players.

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BP says it should no longer be called British Petroleum. OK, its wells are Bad Pissers.

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The NY Times used to be called "The Gray Lady" for being drab and conservative. Now she's a colorful socialist known as "Auntie Business."

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After this week's fiasco, the White House is burning all its copies of Gladwell's book "Blink" that hails acting without thinking.

Gee, and they said the Bush White House was reactionary.

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Hungry lawyers are taking temporary gigs as teachers and comedians. But so far none have become what they're most qualified for -- roadkill.

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Still unemployed and need a better resume? Don't lie about where you went to school. Just claim you majored in African American Studies.

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Facebook admits it mistakenly counts long-dead members. Chicago pols see nothing wrong with that -- they register dead people all the time.

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The Clintons reportedly have picked out a larger estate. Hey, if Whitewater re-surfaces, the Bedford Hills women's prison is nearby.

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NY Times editorial wants government to regulate how Google reports its searches. Isn't that like regulating how the Times reports its news?

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Bristol and Levi both admit they lied about each other. So now, how can they find a preacher who'll believe them when they say I do?

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AP headline: "Apple to speak on iPhone 4 amid antenna troubles" Isn't it risky to use a troublesome phone to conduct a press conference?

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A federal court says the FCC was wrong to ban indecent speech. Good. Our congressmen can spout more promises they can't keep.

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God fires George Steinbrenner.

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Rev. Robert Schuller, 84, announced his retirement from the famed Crystal Cathedral. The church was shattered.

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A Swiss court won't extradite Roman Polanski to the US on child rape charges and released him. He returned home to his five-year-old wife.

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The guy who created the term "ageism" (discrimination against the old) has died. His reputation is intact. He died of disease--not old age.

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The U.S. sent Russian spies home because they were ineffective. Now the president wants to do the same thing with Congress.

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A man named LeBron James went on TV to say jobless Americans are shirkers because he sees big opportunities out there.

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Typical of government: Business is bad, so the post office will raise rates and cut service.

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An old joke says that on the Web no one knows you're a dog. Yes, but when Maureen Dowd posts a snarky column everyone knows she's a bitch.

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Threat from Al Gore: If wisecracks about his scandal keep spreading, he'll uninvent the Internet.

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Republicans need not worry. Based on Elena Kagan's Senate testimony, the rulings she writes for the court will have humor but little else.

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NYTimes headline: "Byrd to Lie in Senate." So what? Don't most senators do that?

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Tired of declining stock prices, Dell Computer today took matters in its own hands and raised its share price by 17%.

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Scientists have created rat lungs in the laboratory. Bad move. We don't need healthier rats. Poodles and Golden Retrievers are more lovable.

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Just like his predecessor, Pres. Obama was observant when he dined with Russia's president. "I looked into his eyes, and I saw his sole."

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A masseuse says Al Gore ordered her to go lower, into the groin area. Apparently he thought it was o.k. because vice was in his job title.

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Gen. McChrystal called on White House carpet for criticizing the president, defends self by saying he misspoke. "I meant Osama, not Obama."

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Gulf coast residents want BP CEO to avoid any pleasure til spill is gone. No racing, no dessert, no life back. No shit.

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BP diagnosed with bipolar disorder -- a combination of oil-in-ocean and foot-in-mouth disease.

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BP chairman apologizes for calling Gulf oil victims small people. "Clearly they are losers and we Germanics know how to deal with losers."

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President Obama called for ending our reliance on oil and showed in his Oval Office speech that his personal solution is wind power.

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With networks concerned over the language that might be in the Oval Office address, the White House promised to bleep it with a vuvuzela.

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Text of Oval Office address contains 23 you guys and 42 kick asses. Plus 1 pledge to keep flying to the Gulf to stay on top of the problem.

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The comic strip "Annie" has been retired. Daddy Warbucks is distraught but hopes he can replace her with Lolita.

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I read Obama's book and I have seen him as president. The book was better.

Obama gets brazen, talks of kicking ass. White House has a focus group looking into stepping it up. As in "that fucken BP"

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Too many workers waste time on the PC, causing this message: "Twitter Is Over Capacity." Never happens at night. We need more unemployment.

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Mexicans irate over the shooting of a teen by U.S. border guards under attack plan to get even. Ouch! Let's hope they don't boycott the U.S.

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Long Island rabbi beats up on 89-year-old Helen Thomas, gets his 15 minutes of shame.

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Stock analysts figured out why Pfizer stock has been rising. Sales of Viagra are way up. Noted user Rush Limbaugh's wedding, you know.

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People are praying for an end to the oil spill. If God gave a damn, it wouldn't have happened in the first place.

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President Obama should take an anger management course. Not how to tame it. How to fake it.

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At the White House, Paul McCartney blasted Bush for not knowing what a library is. If Paul could read he'd know Bush married a librarian.

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AT&T will charge extra to the top 2% of wireless data users. The other 98% would use more if it weren't so hard to avoid AT&T deadspots.

State officials have devised tough new reading and math guidelines. From now on, kids must perform at 5th grade level by the 8th grade.

Four companies are competing to buy Newsweek. Because no one reads or wants to read Newsweek, it will be sold to the lowest bidder.

NYTimes says Kindle ebooks will be sold in Target stores--a month-old story. "All the news that's fit to print--if you can wait that long."

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If a thoughtless person wishes you a happy Memorial Day, respond in kind and say, "You too. I hope your memorial is happy."

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President Obama told a news conference the oil spill "is my responsibility." Sorta like saying, "The muck stops here."

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Is there a way for Obama to handle the Gulf oil spill worse than he's already doing it? He could name Katrina's "Brownie" as Oil Spill Czar.

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North Korea claims it has severed all ties with South Korea. It's lying. It hasn't cut the most significant tie -- the land connection.

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A Mass. food plant worker was sucked into a sausage machine but got out. No harm to customers if he hadn't. Each worker there is very clean.

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Pres. Obama says diplomacy and the military go hand in hand. Sure, now he's gonna tie leaflets around the missiles he fires at terrorists.

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Lance Armstrong again denied taking steroids, saying that training and hard work did it. "Everyone knows I busted a nut to win those races."

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The ATM inventor has died in Scotland. His last words were "4,6,7,9." Didn't he know it would take more than a password to get into Heaven?

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This is Understand the Retarded Week, being celebrated for the benefit of America's lottery players.

Greeks fight to keep their 6-hour work week while paying few taxes. Here, it sounds like a desperate Congressman's re-election platform.

Having switched from Democrat to Republican to Democrat again, Arlen Spector's only remaining hope is to become a Teabagger. At Starbucks. 2:19 PM May 19th

Christian Scientists in Boston plan a path across their famous reflecting pool so people will seem to walk on water. Jesus would approve. 11:20 AM May 19th

A student has been arrested for lying to get into Harvard to take its slanted, politically correct courses. The real crime was wanting to. 3:12 PM May 18th

It's poetic justice. David Souter tricked the GOP and ruled as a liberal. Now Obama is screwing the liberals by acting like a conservative. 11:42 AM May 16th

China's v.p. says too many documents and speeches are full of empty blather. Pres. Obama disagrees, saying we need "the audacity of hope." 10:56 AM May 14th

Speaking in Portugal, the Pope denounced gay marriage. Follow the example of priests who can't marry. No problem. Hmm. Oh yeah, that. 10:48 AM May 14th

The NY Times complains NY minorities are more likely to be frisked. Of course. Records show NY minorities are more likely to commit crimes. 3:44 PM May 13th

Not wishing to follow England's lead, Pres. Obama won't form a coalition with the Tea Party. Bad pun: We won't get a new form of Democratea. 1:27 PM May 12th

The Supreme Court nominee combines various diversities for the court. Non-judge, Jewish, overweight, what else? Don't ask, we won't tell. 2:00 PM May 10th

Obama wants to outlaw sharp price drops on Wall Street. OK, and next let's rule out losing lottery tickets. Hey, while we're at it, death. 3:52 PM May 7th

Some babies are named to celebrate their parents' inter-ethnicity. Say hello to Xiuxiu Adams, Caitlin Guitierrez, and Mohammed Lefkowitz. 2:34 PM May 7th

With Bill Moyers retiring, PBS didn't have far to look for similarly one-sided, vacuous anchors. Its sister network, MSNBC, of course. 10:59 AM May 2nd

Lawyers for Rod Blagojevich want Pres. Obama to testify at the ex-Gov.'s trial. Obama won't go. Says his teleprompters are fully scheduled. 11:34 AM Apr 23rd

Airline losses from the ash spill top $1 billion. And with flights resuming they can't even charge rent for sleeping space on the floor. 3:02 PM Apr 19th

Americans know how the volcanic ash is tough for Europeans to deal with because we have our own heavy cloud of smoke. It's called ObamaCare. 10:42 AM Apr 16th

Toyota's Lexus GX460 has been rated "Do not buy" by Consumer Reports. Any more bad news and Toyota will be rated "Do not resuscitate." 9:47 AM Apr 14th

Why is Conan O'Brien settling on a cable show? His humor was rejected as too juvenile by his personal favorite, Sesame Street. 11:17 AM Apr 13th

Leno's Tonight Show audience is larger than O'Brien's was. But much older. Will there be enough ad revenue? Depends on what Depends does. 3:38 PM Apr 12th

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