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 Late news                                                                                                                                                                                            Updated 6/30/09

Sisterly advice: Ruth Madoff has written to Jenny Sanford with tips on how to deal with an immoral husband. "Pay no attention to your husband's bad deeds," Mrs. Madoff suggests. "While it lasts, play dumb and enjoy all the perks he can give you. That's what I did."

Positive outlook: Bernie Madoff may have been sentenced to 150 years in prison, but he'll get the last laugh. With good behavior, federal prisoners can be released after serving 80% of their term. That means that when Bernie is released 120 years from now, the judge and all the other people who hate him will be dead.

"Bill O'Reilly killed Michael Jackson." Anti-conservative commentators blame Bill O'Reilly for the death of Michael Jackson, saying it's the latest in a string of evil events stirred up by O'Reilly's inflammatory cable show. Said one critic: "First he offed a much beloved late-term abortionist, and now Jackson. Must we allow O'Reilly to take more of our revered icons?"

Washington buzz: The White House will probably blame its infestation of flies on George Bush, saying it inherited them from the previous administration. Bush will deny it and say that anyway Obama should welcome the flies if he really wants an open administration.

Not at all hard: Barack Obama doesn't deserve all the kudos he receives for his self-deprecating humor. After all, running yourself down isn't difficult when so many of your official decisions are laughable.

Switch-hitter: Because he was trailing a Republican primary challenger in Pennsylvania, Senator Arlen Specter has switched to the Democratic Party. If his nomination as a Democrat is also opposed, Specter still has another place to HOP -- the Hypocritical Opportunist Party.

Smart man: Congressman Jack Burlington, who boasts of being a highly accomplished speed-reader, decided to become the first lawmaker to read all of the government's huge spending package, and did so in less than an hour. When asked what he found out, he said, "It's about money."

The truth will out: No one will admit it happened, but during his visit to CIA headquarters, President Obama was given a waterboarding demonstration -- and he volunteered to be the person waterboarded. When interrogated on what he really thinks of his financial stimulus program, Obama quickly confessed that he is all wet.

Government control: Now that the White House has flexed its muscles and fired the CEO of the ailing General Motors, who's next -- the coaches of losing sports teams?

Back and forth: An official of the European Union said, and then denied saying, that President Obama is leading the world to hell with his economic plan. In response, Obama said, and then denied saying, that hell is where the European official should go.

Politically incorrect: Eyebrows were raised when President Obama told Jay Leno that his bowling is good -- for a Special Olympian. It's understandable he'd say that, though, because Special Olympians have been on his mind ever since he had them write his federal budget.

A secret revealed: President Obama uses a Teleprompter whenever he speaks in public -- but it's not widely known that he also uses one in the Oval Office to prompt him with fresh ideas. It has casters that roll it into his private lavatory so he can read during down times. By the way, we're never sure whether it's the room or the occupant that's described by the sign on the lavatory door that says "Head of State."

The wail-out: A tanker full of crocodile tears is parked at the White House so the president can keep on crying about the AIG employee bonuses, which the government knew about a year before it sent billions to the company. When the president entered office, we lived in a Democracy. Now it has become a Hypocrasy.

In fairness to all: President Obama today called on all waitresses to give back their tips. He said it's only fair, since at the top of the financial ladder Wall Streeters are being asked to surrender their bonuses. Spokesmen for both worker groups said they'll do that when Obama agrees to give back the winning votes he received in the election.

Is Jon Stewart a hypocrite? After blasting stock guy Jim Cramer for bad forecasts, he didn't go after weatherman Al Roker.

Prosecutors seeking Ruth Madoff's $69 million promise to leave enough for her to live on. She'll have the cost of a paper bag and can become a bag lady.

The value of brevity (20 characters). Twitter, the wildly popular web site where users post brief text messages, may buy the New York Times and discontinue the print publication. "Twitter proves that all the world wants is headlines," the company said. So why buy the Times? For its slogan, "All the news that's fit to print." It easily fits in Twitter's 140-character limit.

Think about it. Newspapers are dying, while Twitter thrives. Which means in the future all we'll have is headlines.

Earlier posts:

Cheney says U.S. unprepared for attack. White House not worried. It has big bomb shelter.

His stock tips have been terrible, so CNBC's Jim Cramer may need a new career. He might do better touting lottery numbers.

The Washington Post has killed its Business Section. In today's climate, maybe it'll be replaced by a Socialism Section.

Why Madoff should be released: He paid off old investors with money from new investors -- thus over the years most people profited.

China worries about the safety of money it sent to the U.S., but we worry about the safety of everything else it sent here.

Jon Stewart, who challenged the accuracy of stock market predictions on TV, plans an even more daring attack, this one on weather forecasts.

The First Lady chose military families as her "cause" after deciding that apple pie is too controversial.

Bernie Madoff got a desk in his cell so he can send 1099 forms to his clients.

The White House removed pork from its menu. It was keeping a campaign pledge,

Showing his youth and inexperience: Obama's gift to the visiting British PM -- 25 dvds -- was called chintzy. Gordon Brown's gift to Obama was more suitable -- 25 diapers.

Let's talk it out: President Obama wants to negotiate with the people who gave sanctuary to Osama bin Laden. Thus there's hope that he may also negotiate with evil-doers here at home, such as child molesters. Like the Taliban, they're just misunderstood.

Maniacal media man: Keith Olbermann boasts that he got an Ivy League education at Cornell. He attended Cornell's agricultural college, definitely not Ivy League. It explains one thing. The ag school was where he learned to produce so much bullshit.

Barely there: During her husband's first address to Congress, Michelle Obama was the only sleeveless woman in the House. If the press wasn't in love with the Obamas, she would have been ridiculed. Looking around the chamber, a disapproving Republican sighed, "At least the world was spared from Hillary showing up in shorts."

And on it goes: The protesters that Sean Penn thought he saw on his way to the Academy Award theater were actually cheering him on for an acceptance speech that exercised his constitutional right to berate them for their constitutional right to oppose his right to criticize theirs. Stay tuned.

Creationism: A cartoonist for the New York Post is being criticized for portraying a chimpanzee as the author of the federal stimulus plan, and well he should be. To insult a chimp in that manner is deplorable. The plan is so bad that it could not have been created by a creature that high on the evolutionary scale.

A presidential first: President Obama used teleprompters at his press conference -- because he's more authoritative when reading than when ad libbing. They're the same teleprompters he uses to lecture his daughters at the breakfast table.

It must happen: Rejecting criticism that it would be unsafe and impractical, President Obama declared that Gitmo must close one year from now. He followed that with another command that is equally realistic. The recession must end 90 days from now.

Then he solemnly swore: After re-administering the oath of office to President Obama to correct the earlier flub, Chief Justice John Roberts grabbed a taxi and told the driver, "Take me to the Supreme States of the United Court."

So what if he's a tax cheat? Despite his income tax misdeeds, Timothy Geithner is the new Treasury Secretary because the White House needs his ability to manipulate the economy. Following that reasoning, there should be an even bigger job for Bernie Madoff.

Coast-to-coast snores: When millions of drowsy Americans converged on hospital emergency rooms, doctors at first blamed it on a plague of sleeping sickness. It turned out, though, that the patients had been lulled to sleep by the dozens of simplistic platitudes in the Inaugural Address. Doctors prescribed strong coffee and patience to wait until the next election.

Oops: On the Oprah show, Jill Biden let it slip that her husband Joe was Barack Obama's first choice for secretary of state, but Biden preferred the vice presidency. When Bill Clinton was told that his wife was Obama's second choice, Bill said he wasn't surprised. "Hillary has always been my second choice as well."

Two editions: Laura Bush has agreed to write her memoirs. There will also be a talking book version for George to enjoy.

Added enticement: You may have heard that the court decided to sell the trading operation that was the core of Bernie Madoff's Wall St. business and that there was little interest. The latest news is that the court threw in the Brooklyn Bridge. Now there's a bidding war among many of Madoff's gullible customers.

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Here you'll find the latest news satire from America's #1 misanthrope and contrarian. Updated daily except on days when it's not. Some prefer to call it humor, parody, irony, offbeat, whimsy, the work of a curmudgeon, satirical. Call it what you will, you'll have fun checking back daily. (These descriptions put here for search engines to find, which they sometimes do.)